My dearest little one,

I will never forget the overwhelming joy I felt when I found out that I was carrying you. I couldn’t believe it was happening – that I was going to have my own sweet child.

I felt so calm and at peace – which isn’t usual for me. I rested and dreamed about you. I thought about you all the time… and wanted to make sure I took good care of myself because I was carrying my most treasured possession. ♥️

I thought about what you would look like and hoped you would have my thick, dark curls, my eyes and my smile.

I thought about your little spirit… I hoped you would be affectionate and would always reach for me. I was afraid I would never want to let you go… that I’d just want to hold you every chance I got.

Of course I didn’t know if you were going to be a boy or a girl, but I thought about what you would be like…

If a boy, would you be rambunctious, rough-and-tumble all-boy? Or would you be reserved and curious?

No matter your personality, I’d hoped that I would help you grow into the best man you could be. I wanted to teach you that it’s ok to cry. That it’s ok to ask for help or a hug.

Speaking of hugs, I’d hoped to teach you how special they are – and teach you to hold someone when they need it just like your Uncle Daniel does.

I hoped to teach you responsibility and independence… and the importance of taking care of yourself.

And I hoped to teach you how to truly cherish a woman… how to respect her, love and appreciate her.

If you were a little girl, would you have had the fiery, strong spirit my mom always said I had? Or would you be a more sweet and gentle child?

No matter your personality, I’d hoped to teach you the importance of being kind and bold, sweet and strong. Because those are beautiful qualities, but they’re more powerful together.

I worried that if you had a strong will, I would struggle with how to guide you. I didn’t want to dull your fiery spirit, but I wanted to make sure I guided you in the right direction.

I hoped you would always feel confident but humble. I hoped that I would encourage you to feel great about how you look – because YOU – the whole of who you would become – would be beautiful.

Sweet girl, I wanted you to know and feel the things I didn’t. I wanted you to become your best self… not a version of yourself that you thought others wanted.

As much as I wanted to make sure I raised you right, I thought so much about when you would be between 3-5. That’s always been the sweet spot for me.

I couldn’t wait for you to talk to me… to let me in on all the little thoughts in your mind.

I’d hoped you would be curious, talkative, affectionate, smart, musical.

I wondered what your relationship with your big brother would be like, and I always imagined you two would form a special bond.

I wanted to make sure you weren’t spoiled (I even looked into a toy rental program!). I wanted you to know that more “stuff” would never make you happier.

But as much as I didn’t want to spoil you with things, I wanted to give you every bit of love in my heart.

I was so excited to meet you.

Precious one, I knew before I lost you that I was going to lose you.

I cannot tell you how much my heart broke that day. It has never been the same since.

People have tried to console me by saying things like, “well at least you know you can get pregnant” or “there are so many kids that need a home” or “studies show that people without kids are actually happier.”

But here’s the thing – I wanted YOU. A part of me died the day I lost you.

You will always be in my heart. You will always be my baby. And I will always be your mother.

I love you to the moon and back.

Your Mama