Have you ever felt that you were at the same time standing at a crossroads AND starting a profound new chapter in your life? I’ve been sitting in that space for a while now, and let me tell you… it hasn’t been the most comfortable place to be. I’ve typically been most comfortable in my life when I’ve been moving, accomplishing, DOING. And this season of my life has called for a massive slow down in order for a major reset to happen in my life.

If I think of my life as parts, I believe I’m starting on “Part 3” (out of 4 hopefully!). Part 1: Childhood, Part 2: ages 18-42 (I’m not entirely sure how to label that period… maybe “early adulthood”? But I don’t feel like an “early adult” – not with these creaky joints and gray hairs! But anyway, you get the idea).

I was thinking the other day about Part 2, and what came to mind was a bit disheartening: “work, fatigue, heartbreak, loneliness, depression, trying to prove I’m good enough, failing in every direction, never enough, drunk, lost.” You might argue with that, as I’ve had some successes, but it seemed accurate as I sat thinking about my life in its current state – 42, twice-divorced, childless, unemployed, not knowing what’s ahead.

But you know what I think is going to make Part 3 amazing despite the fact that my life isn’t at all what I planned out? Embracing the fact that I can’t know what’s ahead. Embracing the fact that I cannot control everything, and therefore should stop wasting precious energy on trying to… and stop obsessing over what went differently than I’d planned and why. And instead, focusing on the things I CAN control – my thoughts, actions, words and attitude. Talk about finding some freedom and peace in that!

As I’ve taken some time to work on myself, I’ve started looking at my situation with an incredible amount of hope and gratitude. I’ve realized that have the opportunity to create an entirely new life – one that is more balanced, fulfilled, purposeful and gratifying. Instead of thinking of myself as a failure, I now think of myself as someone with the freedom and means to start over, creating the life I want to live.

But how could I go from being a workaholic/alcoholic/chronic worrier to someone who is ok with taking a break from work (and dipping into what is essentially my retirement!), living sober, and being at peace with what’s happening around me? The story in its entirety is a bit long and is honestly deserving of its own post (or you could watch the video embedded below if you’d like to hear my life story!).

The short version is that I experienced a terrifying and traumatic event about nine months ago, and it caused me to realize – despite my many thoughts over the years about not wanting to be alive – that I desperately wanted to live. What a catalyst for change! After an experience like that, it’s amazing how your priorities can suddenly be rearranged.

First, my focus shifted to healing. When you don’t have a choice, you have to slow down, rest, rely on others for help, push yourself to regain your strength and mobility, and most importantly, you have to learn to be kind to yourself and have patience with the healing process. But that was just the physical part.

After I physically healed – which is an incredible thing to behold… how the body can repair itself after trauma – I realized that I had an enormous amount of emotional healing to do. I realized that I had essentially been in survival mode since I was 17. I’d been desperately trying to “take care of myself” by doing everything possible to ensure that I would never have to ask for help… and in the process attempted to prove to the world that I really was “good enough.” I’d worked like a crazy person, I’d saved my money diligently, I’d tried to be everyone else’s savior, and yet I still felt empty, worthless and unfulfilled. I finally had to admit that I indeed needed help. Trying to be independent and “perfect” had gotten me nowhere.

Asking for help is a humbling thing. Have you ever had your mom bathe you as an adult? I have (thanks, Mom! ♥️) To rely on someone to care for you in your time of physical weakness and dependence will show you pretty quickly how you can’t go it alone completely. It was easy to see how badly I needed help when I couldn’t physically take care of myself. Recognizing my need for emotional support was at first much scarier, but how thankful I am for those who offered hope and support when I admitted that I needed help. What a gift!

The most incredible and unexpected thing I experienced as a result of this healing process? A spiritual awakening. I’ve realized that I truly am so small in the grand scheme of things, yet I have a purpose that only I can fulfill. Do I know what that is yet? Nope! But I’m working on myself little by little, taking the time to let wounds heal, seeking help from others, and developing my relationship with God.

Speaking of God, I didn’t want anything to do with him for a long time (FYI: if it’s easier for you to substitute “Higher Power” for “God”, please do… I know I bristled at the mention of God for many years! And I believe that spirituality is a very personal thing, so please just read this as my own experience – not something I’m trying to push on anyone else).

I just couldn’t figure out how a good God would ever set this all in motion when we can all see the terrible things that happen around us every day. I always wondered “what’s the point of it all?” Didn’t he know that we would turn out to be so awful? Didn’t he know how much we would suffer? So why did he create us anyway? It never made sense to me. YET – I could never shake the feeling that there has always existed a power greater than myself and a spiritual realm that I couldn’t see.

Another obstacle in my spiritual journey was that I had always viewed God as a strict parental figure, waiting for me to screw up so he could punish me. Who wants to be close to someone like that? Certainly not me. I know I always ran in the other direction when I knew a spanking was coming as a kid, and I essentially did that when it came to God. I guess I thought if I ran or pushed him away, it would be easier (conjure up the image of a kid who covers their eyes and thinks no one can see them). That seemed to make the most sense, since I couldn’t figure him out and certainly couldn’t figure out how to be perfect – no matter how desperately I tried.

But gratefully, the God of my current understanding is one who HAS always and WILL always love me – more than any human on earth ever could – one who knows every terrible thing I’ve ever done and loves me still, one who sees the best in me and wants the best for me, and one who sees the bigger picture when I can only see a tiny part. So instead of an angry, bent-on-punishment parent, I now believe in a loving Father – one who accepts me as I am, one who whispers gentle messages to me and just wants me to have a relationship with him.

Do I feel like a crazy person talking about God when I’ve lived so far away from him? Yup. But I know that I now have more peace than I’ve ever felt. And I believe that if I can choose to look at my fellow humans as I believe God looks at me, then I will have the opportunity to make a positive impact before I leave this earth. And that’s all I’ve ever really wanted: to make a difference in a positive way.

When I feel compelled to talk about my spiritual experience, I hear a voice in the back of my mind that says: “Leah, people in your life know you as a woman who cusses, drinks, smokes, gossips, and loves men… they’ll laugh at you and never believe you’ve changed. You should just keep this to yourself. Look at yourself after all! You still cuss sometimes and even gossip still on occasion… see! You’re still the same!” Is that true? Partially. I don’t always get it right. But I love the phrase “progress over perfection”. I’ve tried to be perfect my whole life, and it hasn’t worked out too well. 😉 Now I get to try to show up as my best self and make amends when I don’t. I think it’s called “being human”. 🙂 (And if I haven’t made amends to you yet, please be patient with me. I’ve still got a lot of work to do!)

Another thing that helps me is choosing to look at things that happen as “good vs. hard” rather than “good vs. bad”. Life is hard. But there are lessons in the hard things. Sometimes the hard things cause us to slow down, examine our own behavior, or look at things from a different perspective. They may humble us and cause us to finally ask for help, or they may give us an opportunity to change course. They also remind us that we’re not in control of a lot. I’m reminded of that constantly these days.

Knowing that I can control my own thoughts, words, actions and attitude helps me focus on how I show up and respond rather than on what happens outside of my control. It doesn’t just happen though – this shift. I have to work on it. Constantly. I read, I study, I pray, I go to church, I go to meetings, I meet with friends, I go for walks, I’m purposeful about what I listen to, what I read and what I watch. I have grace for myself when I don’t respond how I should, I apologize, and I think about how I can do better the next time. And I ask for help. That’s what works for me.

I’ve found that you don’t become a different person overnight. Just like a caterpillar doesn’t turn into a butterfly in an instant. A transformation takes time and effort. It takes the courage to break old patterns and the determination to establish new ones. Is it sometimes difficult and uncomfortable? Absolutely. Is it always worth it (and am I worth it)? Without a doubt!

I believe that if I can focus on those things one day at a time, the transformation will happen. I’ve often wondered if I’m truly changing, and then someone will say something like “you look better than I’ve ever seen you” (my first thought is usually “you should’ve seen me when I was 30!”, but then I swat that thought away so I can hear what they’re saying: that they’ve noticed a change in me!). I’ve heard “you seem the calmest since I’ve known you”, and the one that has been the biggest compliment – “you seem to have done a 180 since I last saw you. What’s changed?”

I’m not sure why you’re reading this. I’m guessing you’re a friend or family member or a curious acquaintance. But I want to say “thank you” for following along on my journey. One reason I even write or make videos is because I hope I can encourage others in some way. For personal reasons, it helps me to document where I am so I can look back in the future to see how I’ve hopefully grown.

I sometimes used to take “before” pictures when I’d get serious (again!) about a new diet or workout routine, but I kept them private and never seemed to get to the “after” part. By writing and videoing my progress as I’m doing the work, I’m believing that I’ll be able to see a difference in my heart and mind (though I know full well that the work will never be done… it’s truly a daily thing! I know from experience that the danger lies in the moment that I think “I’ve got this”). Mainly, the sharing of my journey helps keep me honest and on track, as scary as it is to be vulnerable.

The next part of my healing journey will involve an ambitious solo cross-country road trip centered around a residency in South Dakota with one of my favorite people – Ted Klontz (look him up and schedule a workshop if you can. You won’t regret it!). I’ll be visiting friends and family members along the way, participating in the personal growth residency, then exploring out west before I make my way home to Tennessee! I plan to document my travels, so I’d love it if you’d follow along. Also, I’ll be looking for travel tips as I don’t have the entire journey mapped out, so send them my way! 🙂

If you’ve made it all the way to the end, I applaud your attention span! Thanks for hanging in there and following my train of thought (someone once told me that I should learn to write more like a songwriter and less like “War & Peace”… maybe someday I’ll figure out how!) ☺️ And in the strange event that you still want to know more about my story, here’s a video I made several months ago: