Fear has been my close friend for as long as I can remember. My mind can easily come up with every possible worst-case scenario and transform any challenge into a catastrophe.

Recently, as I was feeling overwhelmed about work that needs to be done on my property, I went down a rabbit hole and somehow imagined that I would be forced to sell the place because I didn’t know how to do everything myself. Another day, I was feeling like it was taking me entirely too long to get over my ex, and I played the tape forward to me dying alone in my house and no one noticing for weeks.

My negative over-thinking has historically kept me crippled and afraid of taking chances, causing me to play it safe in an attempt to protect myself from hurt or help that often came with strings attached. That sounds like a terrible way to live, doesn’t it? I wonder if you can relate at all.

Something I’ve found in this past year or so is that most of us don’t get through life without getting hurt in some way – many of us deeply – and most of us also struggle to ask for help.

Last May, I found myself feeling hurt and helpless, as a relationship I’d held to tightly dissolved seemingly overnight. I was SPUN OUT. I thought about selling everything and moving to another country. I couldn’t imagine a life here without the man I loved so deeply – as his fingerprints were everywhere I looked. He had written his love letter to me on this property with time and sweat and blood, and I couldn’t bear to be here with those dead dreams and haunting memories.

Have you ever watched Legends of the Fall? Remember how Susannah was wrecked when Tristan left? That was me. I told myself that I would never find a love like that again, and I imagined that I would spend the rest of my life crying in isolation.

But soon after he left, I had an image that came to mind – of a perfectly-shaped-to-my-heart cage unlocking and falling away… allowing my heart to expand and be shared with others.

When I think about my close friend Fear and that devastating heartbreak just last year, it’s hard to believe what happened next. I transitioned from crying alone every night for over a month to traveling — no, ADVENTURING! — alone for 12,000 miles through 19 states and into Canada during the summer months that followed. I went skydiving, I rode motorcycles with virtual strangers, I inadvertently rock-climbed in Sedona, and I made friends and memories that will last a lifetime.

I’d love to tell you some magical secret that transformed my crippling fear into courage, but the truth is that I just had to take the first step. I just had to believe that it would get better and that I was worth doing the hard work of learning how to truly care for myself. That was the secret – taking action despite my fears. And once I did that, it was amazing how allies showed up at exactly the moments I needed help or encouragement.

The most courageous thing I did was to make a decision to take a pause from pursuing a career as I worked on myself. I had to overcome the fearful and negative thoughts of: “Who will hire you if you have a gap in your resume? You can’t take a year off of work! Do you know how much you’ll have to move from your money market account? That’s all you’ve got for retirement! Don’t be an idiot!! This is crazy. Who needs a year to ‘work on themselves’? Grow up. Get to work! You’ll run out of money! No one does this. You’re just using this as an excuse to be lazy. Put on your big girl panties and act like an adult.”

Though I knew when I looked at my life that I desperately needed to take time to focus on healing and growth, the only way I could justify taking time to work on myself was by comparing it to a year of college. I thought I would give myself an opportunity to be a student of life and learn new ways to live – finding out who I was without a relationship or job to define or distract me. I had no idea how much work that would require, but I am so glad I had the faith to keep going.

In this past year, I have experienced pain fully and deeply, sometimes wondering if I could bear any more. But you know what’s crazy? As I look at myself in the mirror today, I see a woman who is more beautiful than she has ever been in her life. Wrinkles and some gray hairs cannot possibly dim a light that shines from within… a light that is now visible because I chose to believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and have a purpose beyond my limited imagination.

Several years ago, my therapist asked me to describe myself, but I could only come up with descriptions of what I DID. And now – even though I know I’ll always be a work in progress – I can describe myself in a way that makes me smile. I am curious, adventurous, sensitive, vivacious, empathetic, passionate, playful, generous, creative and affectionate. I am growing and learning, and I now focus on progress rather than perfection.

I still have to fight hard to remind myself that my value lies not in what I do, but rather in who I am. Some days, it’s hard to remember that. Some days, I have to ask for help and remember that I was never meant to be the one always doing the helping. And you know what? That’s how it’s supposed to work. It’s healthy to give AND to receive. People need people. It’s a thing. 🙂

Here are some of the ways I’ve noticed I’ve changed since I stopped trying so hard to prove that I am enough (and don’t need any outside help):

THEN: I was anxious about everything.
NOW: I am focused on what I can control.

THEN: I had a specific plan for the future (campground / retreats / travel).
NOW: I have big dreams but take things one day at a time.

THEN: I could only imagine a future with my boyfriend, had buried my dreams of becoming a mother, and was considering selling my property.
NOW: I pray often for my future husband, future son, and that this land will stay in my family and bless generations to come.

THEN: I spent a lot of time making plans and got bent out of shape when things didn’t go my way.
NOW: I make game plans and have learned to pause and pivot instead of forcing my way.

THEN: I wasn’t honest about a lot of things… especially my needs and feelings.
NOW: I am learning to be not only kind, but also honest and direct… after taking time to name my feelings.

THEN: I felt like no one could ever really understand or love me.
NOW: I know that God loves and understands me… and I’ve found my tribe!

THEN: I was terrified of spending money on myself as I focused on my recovery.
NOW: I can see how this time was critical… and I’m worth it!

THEN: I blamed others for problems and pain, holding onto resentment and bitterness.
NOW: I realized that I had been living life from the standpoint of a victim… and I was the common denominator.

THEN: I was crippled by fear.
NOW: I still battle fear, but I talk about it and take action.

THEN: I was often drawn to people I trusted quickly who ultimately mistreated me.
NOW: I am discerning about who I let in, and I speak up now when I feel mistreated.

THEN: I felt like my mind and heart made me “too much”.
NOW: I know that my mind and heart are what make me unique and “just right”.

THEN: I felt so much shame when I set foot in the community where I lived and had worked.
NOW: I still battle feelings of insecurity, but every time I have the courage to show up, people tell me I’m a woman transformed.

THEN: My mind was hyper-focused on my work and my relationship, then completely unfocused after I lost both.
NOW: I have had time to think about what truly matters, and I’ve built routines, which have allowed me to balance wellness and creativity.

THEN: I thought I wasn’t that bad aside from the drinking.
NOW: I had no idea how much work was needed to become a woman of integrity.

Friend, you are enough, and you are loved beyond comprehension. Stop believing the lies that Fear tries so desperately to make you believe. Start believing the Truth that you were made for more. You just need to learn the language of Love and stop speaking the language of Fear. Love is the answer, and patience is the key.

Here are some resources that influenced my growth and shaped my journey. I hope that you will find some of them helpful!