I have spent much of the day pondering the events of this past year… vacillating between thoughts that it was a year I’m ready to put behind me or that it was a year of ups and downs and lessons learned.

Anytime I think of writing, I hope to uncover some hidden insight in the process of putting my thoughts into words… and today I was stumped. I tried to think of a word that would sum up 2018. “Pain” was the first word that came to mind… but you can’t write that, not on a day when so many are positively thinking of what the next year holds.

So what word conveys the truth of a hard year in a positive way? “Adventure” was the next one I came up with. One of its definitions – “an undertaking usually involving danger and unknown risks” – seemed rather appropriate.

2018 started with my greatest undertaking yet: that of becoming a mother! It was a hope realized and a joy previously unimagined. And the danger and unknown risk was that of having my whole world suddenly revolve around that little life – so much so that I could not imagine the pain ahead when I lost it.

So an adventure it was, by definition.

But that word just didn’t seem to fit either. It seemed like a way for me to try to put a pretty bow on a year that was one of the hardest of my life so far.

So I thought more and more… and I kept coming back to “pain”. And then I suddenly thought of the word “love”.

When I was young, my biggest fear was of being unloved. I often went out of my way to ensure that people would love me… always the middle child peacekeeper… the champion of the underdog… always happiest when in service to others.

Yet, when faced with pain that I couldn’t bear, that I desperately wanted to escape, I acted often out of a broken heart. And in doing so, I caused pain to those I love the very most. I became someone I couldn’t imagine as lovable at all.

But yet, those who saw my heart loved me anyway. They spoke hard truths into my life. They stood beside me when I wouldn’t have blamed them for walking away.

And so the words I now know best describe my 2018: grace & love.

I am fortunate enough to have a partner who faithfully stands beside me in this adventure of life – the joy and the pain, the laughter and the tears. I’m so thankful for the deep friendships I’ve been blessed to cultivate. And I am so grateful for the grace and love that has been shown to me this past year.

Knowing that even in my most unlovable state, my loved ones draw nearer to help me right my course… that is the most blessed realization of all. ❤️