I’m a detail person, through and through.

I’m also slightly obsessive. 💁🏻‍♀️

I want things to be amazing… and when they’re not (and when I inevitably am not), I can’t stop thinking and worrying about why those things (or I) aren’t amazing… and enough… and everything.

If you’ve known me for long or have read my rambling blog posts in the past, you know that one thing that really hasn’t been amazing is my journey to become a mother.

About a month ago, after discovering that I was yet again unsuccessful at getting pregnant, I had a pretty freaking horrible day. I sobbed, I drove for hours, and I mourned this dream that just doesn’t seem will ever come true.

I was dreading yet another Mother’s Day. In the past, it has served as a reminder of what I am not and what I don’t have.

Somewhat like Pinocchio and his obsession to become a “real boy”, I had become obsessed with becoming a “real mother”.

I have often referred to myself as “not a real parent” in regards to my relationship with Benjamin.

A weird thing has started to happen though.

I have realized that in spite of only being in his life for the past five years, in spite of missing most choir concerts, in spite of not going to every single show, in spite of not cooking enough dinners (or many at all if we’re being honest), in spite of not being home every night he’s here, in spite of not sharing any blood relationship… I have a real relationship with my Benjamin.

Can’t see the forest for the trees indeed!

Let me tell you about my Benjamin.

Not long after David and I met, he introduced me to his sweet little 12-year-old who loved Dr. Who, Zelda and all things Nintendo. I watched him snuggle up to his dad when I would come over to hang out with them… and my heart melted.

Whenever I would mention to anyone that I was dating a guy with a kid and told them Benjamin’s age, they would raise an eyebrow and all but wish me luck.

Well I apparently had all the luck.

I became a stepmom to a 14-year-old high school freshman, and let me tell you… he couldn’t have made it easier. ♥️

Despite my lack of knowledge of video games and all things nerdy, I was able to navigate what I am proud to say is a wonderful and unique relationship with this incredible human.

Now he’s a soon-to-graduate-almost-18-year-old young man, and let me tell you some of the things I love most about him…

Benjamin…

has a big heart,

gives the best hugs,

goes back for seconds every time I cook,

invests in relationships,

blesses me with the best late-night heart-to-hearts,

sings like a freaking angel,

brings me to tears whenever I watch him perform, and

makes my heart swell with pride.

I couldn’t be more thankful for what he’s given me by allowing me to speak into his life and by trusting me with his heart.

I’m not crying, you’re crying. 😭😭😭